When people tell me they can’t tell the difference between Stefan and Damon on The Vampire Diaries because they look the same (or Damon and Elijah), I roll my eyes, vigorously. Dangerously. But I must confess that I am TOTALLY baffled when it comes to Pretty Little Liars. I am THAT person.
Maybe because I often do work while watching so it only gets 55% of my attention (sorry, work! PLL is compelling stuff!) — but I have NO idea who some of the boys are. I finally have a grasp on who the eff Noel Kahn is. I remember his name, you guys! Since I’m enjoying season 2 a lot, and plan on devoted up 75%+ of my attention to it, I decided to get serious about PLL — here’s a dossier on the boys for the casual viewers out there, who are confused by all the white brown-haired boys who are charming but also menacing. Now we’ll always now what Hermy’s real name is!
Ezra Fitz: No explanation necessary. The hot English teacher. In love with Aria. New job means they can mack in the school parking lot. Has conversations with his shirt off to make it difficult for Aria to break up with him. Sometimes has bad hair, but mostly a beacon of TV handsomeness. I am pro this relationship, despite it being a little creepy if you think too hard about it. Like, how old is Mr. Fitz?
Noel Kahn: a.k.a. Bad News. a.k.a. Creepy Creeper. This is the dude who was into Aria but then she rebuffed him and he got all jealous and stalkery — he’s the dude who knows about Aria and Mr. Fitz’s relationship. But then he got suspended for some reason (?) but then he came back and was all, Miss me, bitches?? Recently seen on a date with Mona (who I am loving this season — it’s like she’s finally a real person, instead of just that stock character). I would like to see this character get his comeuppance.
Toby Cavanagh: We all know who Toby is, right PLLers? He is the poor sod who was fooling around with his stepsister Jenna, who everyone in town thinks is a creepy killer when actually he’s TOTALLY not. He and Emily were pals first, but then he and Spencer began hanging out — and there is total sparkage between these two. I am pro this pairing. Toby’s plans to get his GED and get the eff out of Rosewood has hit a bit of an impasse since the citizens of Rosewood are prejudiced against accused teen murderers. I personally think that Spencer and Co should let Toby in on everything that’s going on with A to have another ally. Or wait — does he already know? I don’t know!
Ian Thomas: Agree, PrettyLittleLiarsSecrets.Tumblr.com — Ian seriously creeps me out too. But maybe he’s dead??? Ian is the creeper who kissed Spencer (seen in a flashback) despite dating her older sister. When he returned in present day times, he was extra creepy. He works at the high school, married Spencer’s sister Melissa (who is also a way more awesome character this season than last), and knocked her up. More importantly, he was fooling around with Alison and was in the video of her final moments — is he Ally’s killer? In the season finale it seemed like he was; at the very least he tried to kill Spencer. But then “A” (or someone) “killed” him. Where did his body go? Is he alive and camping in the outskirts of Rosewood, texting his baby mamma? Who knows!!
Jason DiLaurentis: So for extra confusion, there is a flipping different actor playing this part in season 2. Actually, it’s not that confusing because for the life of me I cannot picture the other guy who was Jason. They could switch the actors up each week, and as long as my four PLL girls were the same, I wouldn’t notice. OK — Jason. Floppy hair. Tight T-shirts. Kinda grumpy. Not into baked goods. He is Alison’s older brother, a stoner in his youth, former associate of (evil) Ian. Came back to Rosewood to bother the cops about his sister’s case, meddled with memorial planning, and then effed off. Is that right? Now he’s back living in the DiLaurentis house (I guess Maya’s entire family moved out after they found out she smoked pot? Or was a lesbian? I don’t remember why Maya was sent away). Jason’s also doing something menacing with the front yard and maybe hiding someone/thing inside the house (since he wants to build a fence). The gloved wonder that may be “A” was creeping around his garden and petting that cute dog in the most threatening I’m-going-to-snap-your-neck way (thank god this show is on ABC Family, and not the CW, or else we would have seen puppycide). Also, last episode, there was mention of “the Jason thing.” What the eff is that? I do not know.
Caleb Rivers: Oh, Caleb. Caleb was homeless and living in the high school. He is good with electronics. Hannah invited him to live in her basement — because Hannah is AWESOME — and then they fell in love. But secretly he was also spying on Han for Jenna. I don’t really remember why. But he was. BETRAYAL. Hannah dumped his ass, and then there was the deal with the missing love letter. But then Caleb was back, all sorry + I love you, and Hannah stood her ground. There’s the door, Caleb! I like you a lot but you gotta prove your mettle, mister. Has a pseudo friendship with Lucas…
Lucas Gottesman: I love Lucas. Alison was a bitch to him, but last season Hannah realized he was awesome. He helped her with eBay stuff, and yearbook stuff, and generally being a cool stand-up guy (stuff). But as you can see from that there picture: he is in LOVE with her. That caused some late season problemos, because Hannah was all in love with Caleb and “A” made her dance with Lucas at that dance-a-thon and the poor guy felt manipulated. Heartbreak. Will he be around this season? Who knows!
Officer Garrett: One of the many shady cops in Rosewood. He and Jenna are an item, and he pretends to befriend the PLLs. Who knows what this guy’s deal is, but he saw Aria leaving Fitz’s apartment, right? Trouble.
The First Season Love Interests, Now Forgotten: There was (1) Sean Ackard, Hannah’s BF who didn’t want to sleep with her, (2) Alex Santiago, briefly Spencer’s love interest, he worked at the club and liked to dance in the kitchen, (3) Ben Coogan, that dick of a BF that Emily had, who physically assaulted her — good riddance, Ben!, and (4) let’s not forget Darren the Cop, who Hannah’s mom slept with so her daughter wouldn’t get charged with shoplifting (?).
The Dads: (1) Peter Hastings, barely around, but he’s kind of a crap dad too; competitive, boring, leaves most of the parenting to Spencer’s mom, who’s totally Mariska Hargitay’s doppelganger, (2) Wayne Fields, Emily’s military pop who’s never around except when she’s coming out; he wants to bring the fam out to Texas where he’s stationed (bad idea, Dad!), (3) Byron Montgomery, Aria’s dad, cheated on her mom, trying to make things work, used to be married to Hilary Swank, (4) Tom Marin, deadbeat dad who left Hannah and her mom and only returns when Han’s in trouble; he’s back in Rosewood! (There’s also Mike, Aria’s little bro.)
Hope I didn’t leave anybody out… I’m sure by next episode there will be 15 more dudes to add to this list. But until Tuesday, I’m so in on Rosewood’s secrets, you can call me “A.” (Bitches.)