Spotted: Gone With the Will

Dear Chuck,

You are a disappointment. Why do you wear so much purple?

Yours,
Bart Bass

If you are ever invited to a brunch at the Palace Hotel, hosted by or celebrating a man named Bass, do not go. A life-altering secret will be revealed, you will storm out of the brunch, and the reserved eclairs will go uneaten. Double tragedy.

So we didn’t quite find out what happened betwixt Blair and Jack on New Year’s Eve, but something skeevy, as S would say. I thought we would find out, since in the promo there was that clip of Chuck saying, “She wouldn’t touch you,” and Jack saying, “Why don’t you ask her about it?” Maybe that is for next week? Je ne sais pas.

Jack Bass: the worst uncle since Claudius. The sad thing is it seems that Chuck and Jack actually get along quite well together. (Seems, madam? Nay, it is. I know not seems. sorry.) Uncle Jack makes an excellent villain with his creepy faces and — what was he eating at the end? A bowl of chocolate pudding? Something rich and absurd. That cursed morality clause. Always getting me kicked off the helm of companies I am too young and inexperienced to run.

I loved the Humphrey/van der Woodsen plot this week! The UES Brady Bunch were all charming and honest without being treacly. And Jenny’s brunch outfit was marvy, in my humble opinion (see below, Barneys CO-OP turtleneck and Temperley London jumper). Way better than that weird navy zip dress Serena was wearing when she talked to V at the gallery. I’m glad the shared half-sibling won’t keep Dan and Serena apart. It’s creepy but not toooo creepy.

It’s getting pretty damn obvious that Kelly Rutherford is pregnant, despite her attempts to hold a magazine in front of her belly. that’s OK! As long as Rufus and Lily hold hands and help each other through this, I am happy! Make some waffles, Rufus, Lily’s eating for two!

Now all we need is a boyfriend for Jenny, or an additional best friend, or a hobby that doesn’t turn into an all-out obsessive career, and the family will be golden.

Let’s talk about how mean the Mean Girls were this week. WTF Nelly Yuki? WTF Penelope LameFace? As mean as Blair ever was, she had boundaries to her evilness. You don’t out Eric without his permission, and you definitely don’t reveal to the world that Lily vdW and Rufus have a secret love child that Dan knows about but Serena doesn’t. Penelope, Nelly and the Dumb One don’t have anything against S, do they?

ALSO: since when do people celebrate two month anniversaries, Nate and Vanessa? That said, V looked super pretty this episode, and I’m glad Nate’s back to being a friend to Chuck, and to Dan. Love the return of mini Serena and her girls. What did she say to Vanessa? “Talk about failing upwards.” Genius. Also I would like a bag of candy plz and fanks.

Whaddaya think about the Half-Bro being not-dead-dead? So the adopted parents lost their biological son in the sailing accident, decided to tell Rufly it was Andrew the Adopted Son so the richies wouldn’t steal their only remaining son? That is the type of shenanigans that will get you in trouble, Stranger Parents. If Andrew is anything like his siblings, he’ll be snooping around and scrolling through missed calls. Watch out.

So what happens next? Feels like a lot of plots are kinda wrapped up or just backburner simmering. Oh why don’t we get the promos after the episodes in Canada? I shall go and troll YouTube.**Crappy quality here.

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