my 90210pinions: there is no place like homecoming

New Nine-Oh returns! I was actually looking forward to this. Is this what my life has become? Third-rate teen dramas are exciting times at the Calhoun Ranch?

Second Wizard of Oz themed episode title. If only this were Lost, that fact alone would require a blog’s worth of analysis. Since it’s not…here be my not-quite-live blog of the episode:

OH man I forgot how nice Naomi’s plaid shirt was from last episode. Maybe cuz that episode aired years ago.

It’s the Homecoming Dance at West Beverly. Annie wonders if Ethan will ask her to go. Really? In 2008, you still have to be asked to the Homecoming dance? You have to wait for the boy to ask you? BOO.

zong, five minutes in and i am very very bored. to pass the time let’s look at these serious actor faces:

English teacher is about to say, “Not always about you, is it Naomi?” right after she learns her BFF nearly died of a drug overdose. Nicely played, teacher. And you wonder why these kids are so effed up. The grown-ups suck on this show. (Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh obvs excepted.)

Me and Audrina have matching hairdos!

I hate how these characters think Annie is so nice all the time.Ugh. Naomi is filling the now vacant position of best friend with Annie. Hey, I just watched an episode of The O.C. where the new girlfriend (Lindsay) goes out with the old girlfriend (Marissa) and they have a girls night. Same shit here! That ended badly for those girls, but sadly not with Lindsay dead in the ocean.

oh my god, this moment makes the boredom of this episode worthwhile: Naomi’s extended bitch sigh as she signs into detention. Next time a courier arrives at work and asks me to sign for something, I’m going to be all, Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

New character: hot Spanish-y bad boy. Naomi likes him. He wishes he was the Judd Nelson of West Beverly.

Annie forgot to put her skirt on for her driving lesson.

Navid? What are you doing on the show? You have lines in this episode?

Why does Naomi look so confused when she hears her phone make the text message noise? Is that her first text ever? I think maybe it was.

Silver’s wisdom teeth outfit is mental. I loved getting my wisdom teeth out. It was a perfect week of being slightly high all the time, totally allowed, and all i did was watch Firefly, eat instant mashed potatoes, and sleep while my mom and sister took care of me. Fond, fond memories. I should get more teeth removed.

HOLY LOVE OF GOD what is Navid wearing on rehab center visit #2? Does he have a time machine or did he just come from the set of Austin Powers 4?

Twenty-five minutes in: So far Audrina has said two death related things: She can’t live with herself and it’s killing her (what’s she done to Naomi). I am predicting a suicide attempt by the end of the episode. Hey who else is going to see the Haunting of Molly Hartley just to confuse their teen drama realities by having Naomi and Nate Archibald inhabit the same universe?

I don’t care if Annie gets her driver’s license. Boringtown. This is what happens when you burn through all those plot lines so quickly in the first episodes. We are stuck with driver’s ed quizzes with mom.

“AH! Oh wow.” Naomi does Annie’s makeup for the big dance and Annie looks exactly like she did earlier in the day. (What is that girl wearing? the random background friend who compares wearing thongs to having things put in her butt? Oh no the other one, not Nina. A skin-tight mini dress in terribly colors and cheap-looking fabric.)

Annie is dumb as a post. You go to a dance with a friend and have a grand old time getting ready together with her, she lends you shoes, then immediately upon arriving at the dance (with the ‘really great band’), you move in on her high school sweetheart ex-bf. That is a bad move, sisterfriend.

The good thing about Brenda Walsh was that she fucked up, everyone knew it, and she either acknowledged her fuck up or she pouted and carried on as she pleased. Annie is like this intolerably righteous girl who thinks she is soooo nice but really is self-centered. The frustrating thing is that in the 90210verse, you’re just supposed to go along with her and think she’s a peach. She’s not. She’s the pits. It’s boring and annoying.

Gar! Naomi, close your mouth when you’re dancing with Hot Detention Guy! I know you are ASTOUNDED by the new guy’s super hotness but you’re catching flies, darling. Advice to new guy: calling a girl “pasty” is not the way to her heart.

BEST LINE OF THE EPISODE: The English teacher brings the drugs and Kimberly to the principal. Principal Wilson grabs the drugs from him and says, “OK, I will take these.” LOLZtown. The principal’s gonna take the drugs. Oh shit. This episode is terrible. Is it over yet?

The Internet tells me that the Druggie Girl Whose Name Starts with A is called Adrianna, not Audrina. Audrina is the brown-haired girl from The Hills with those sparkling white teeth.

I love that Annie is so perplexed about Naomi asking her not to date Ethan. And now she’s teaching Naomi the true meaning of friendship…

Ruh-roh. Audrina is getting back with the bad druggie guy! Interception by Navid! A suckerpunch!

New best line! goes to Navid: “In the seventh grade, when you got that sitcom, it was like, I don’t even know you anymore.” So gritty and real. But, um, I’m kinda liking Navid and Audrina together?

Big surprise, English teacher + the Narc = Make Out. And Annie’s resolve to be a good friend to Naomi lasts about 0.23 seconds.

Overall rating: D-. Definitely did not live up to the previous episode’s potential and therefore makes me mad and disappointed with it. I am making the facial expression Naomi made at Audrina when she tried to be besties again at the dance. I am looking away ever so slightly, not matching my eyeline and pretending I am totally over this show and its many failings. I wish it would check into rehab and take its recovery seriously. Srsly.


One thought on “my 90210pinions: there is no place like homecoming

  1. How seriously awful this episode was. I really am astounded that Adrianna didn’t die. Or maybe I’m not, considering how much of a letdown the show has been thus far.And in response to your question — I am MOST DEFINITELY going to see <>The Haunting of Molly Hartley<> just to confuse their teen drama realities by having Naomi and Nate Archibald inhabit the same universe. OH YES. I’m really freaking excited about this — way more than I should be, considering that AnnaLynne McCord is a monumental acting failure (though not as bad as Shenae Grimes, to be sure).

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