Naomi: Are you breaking up with me?
Ethan: I’m breaking up with us.
**Attention any and all future boyfriends. I am going to use that line when we break up. (Or if I’m feeling old school, I’ll use Kelly Taylor’s “I choose me.”)
So I didn’t watch this week’s 90210 until just this very second. And man! Not very good! My two most fabbity fav things about last week were (1) the Return of Brenda Walsh, and (2) the Return of Lucille Bluth. Why are they playing hard to get with those two glorious characters? They were both absent this ep. Boooo! (Also, there so needs to be a scene between Bren and Granny Wilson.)
You know who did not disappoint this week? AnnaLynne McCord.
She is SO bad that I have now committed her name to memory. When Naomi discovers that her father is having an affair (way less dramatically, may I add, than when Donna caught Felice having an affair in the same hotel where the girls were stalking Color Me Badd), her reaction in the car was evocative of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls (and her hair too!). I hope more and more traumatizing things happen to Naomi because holy man alive does this girl emote. And by girl, I mean grown woman playing a barely-16 year old.
In the world of the bubbly-enough-to-give-you-a-bellyache Annie, I just don’t know who to ship with her. (eh! that’s a webternet term, “ship“! i’m using it in a sentence.) Deffo not Ty, who will be off this show as soon as the musical’s curtain falls, I predict. Though Ty did make that great pun texting Annie about how he had to “bowl” out of the bowling alley to hit the show at the pier.
It’s just so hard to know who our Annie is meant to be with.
Option A: Annie + Ethan. Annithan
They have a history but Ethan thinks he could be the next Spencer from the Hills. (Note to writers: your pop culture refs are so plodding. Take notes while watching Gossip Girl. Please.) Ethan obvs still has *some* feelings for Naomi (and how can you not when she has so MUCH feeling?) and Annie has a wandering eye. But I think this could be a nice one to watch. Nothing ever, ever, ever as good as the Original Brenda/Dylan. As a sidebar, Annie needs to learn how to flirt. (Flirting montage here.)
Option B: Annie + Dixon. Annixon
So maybe they are brother and sister but look at this chemistry! See how comfortable they are with each other? Hands on her shoulders! They confide in each other, plot against their lame parents together, PLUS they are not ACTUALLY related. Silver can be Dixon’s cover; Ethan can cover Annie whilst Annie and Dixon have forbidden love. K, now I am creeping myself out…
There was one moment in this episode that was actually kind of old school 90210 over-the-top emotional goodness. In the Silver Opens Up to Dixon scene, when Dixon talks about how he too has seen what booze and drugs can do to parental types, i was kinda like…Moment of 90210 Potential. That Tristan Wilds kid may be awkward but he can act, and Silver is in less extraordinary weird clothes this week plus Jessica Stroup underplays her moment, clearly not yet a graduate of the AnnaLynne McCord School of Spazzing Out. Added bonus: the background music was f’n gold.
In this episode, we also learned about different ways of How to Be a Mother. New Cindy Walsh, a.k.a. Lori Loughlin, goes with the Incredibly Annoying strategy. Impose your desire for a family night on a evening when everyone — including you and your husband — has plans they don’t want to break. And when she and New Jim Walsh have a heart to heart about why their kids don’t want to hang out with them (reason: you are overbearing, lady), Lori stares off camera like she’s looking directly at someone. But there is no one there. It’s creepy. Maybe there is a ghost in the mansion and that will be a plot point later? It was totally weird. Seriously, watch that scene again. Or, uh, for the first time if you, like most of the world, didn’t bother watching the second week of New Nine Oh.
Mother-to-Naomi Mrs. Clark’s strategy is to accept her husband’s philandering ways in exchange for a cushy lifestyle and new cars. We call this the Role Model Failure strategy. Poor Naomi. No wonder she is INSANE. Also let’s all relive the awesome Naomi Climbs into Bed w/ her Mommy interlude (awkwardly plunked between the two halves of the Silver Opens Up to Dixon scene).
Finalement and most excitingment for me, an Original 90210er: the Return of Jackie Taylor and the I’m Drunk All the Time, Get Out of My House and Go Back to the Women’s Shelter strategy. I think the 90210 crew put a microphone in Jackie’s on-the-rocks cocktail. Man, those ice cubes were loud! I hope that we have not seen the last of Ms. Jackie Taylor. Also her house looks like a hotel. Yucksauce. Where is that hideous Warhol-imitation painting of Kelly??
And speaking of Parent Fail, we got new clues to the Mystery of the Season: Who is Kelly’s Baby Daddy? What we know so far:
- Kelly knew Sammy’s dad in high school
- Kelly and the Dad had a serious thing back in the good old days
- They hadn’t seen each other in quite some time, then they hooked up, she got preggers, they tried to make it work but have a lot o’ history
- Daddy wants to get back in his son’s life after being a Parent Fail for most of Sammy’s life
- Jackie Taylor is doubtful that “HE” will ever be a good parent to Sammy (that’s the pot calling the kettle black)
OK. OK. So our options:
- Brandon Walsh (who is in Borneo? where is he?). He seems like a good choice but I just can’t buy the Brandon I KNOW not being a part of his son’s life. Implausible! That is not the son Jim Walsh raised.
- Dylan McKay. Swoon. I hope so. Oh man I hope so.
- Steve Sanders. YAWN.
- Jake Hot-Guy-Opening-the-Fridge from Melrose Place. So maybe Kelly and Jake didn’t have a *serious* relationship when she was in high school, but he totally built that thing in the backyard that Jackie and Mel got married under so….
We’ll just have to keep watching. Or I will. And I’ll relive the mediumly entertaining bits for you. I am that nice. And I have that much time on my hands.
Overall episode rating: C-. You’re slipping New Nine-Oh. Step it up!
Anyway, looks like next week we’ll have a return of the super and the relatively awesome: Brenda, Lucille Bluth Wilson, musical theatre, the (Peach) Pit, Joe E. Tata, and more Dr. Pepper product placements.
Pray that something terrible happens to Naomi!